There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
