I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
