just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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