Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
