someone get that fucking seahorse.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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