foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.