i think my tv is drunk
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
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