How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
