he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
