I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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