Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
The best revenge is premature balding
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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