you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
