Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
