I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Randomize
