Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
