So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
He had one of those small greek statue penises
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
