He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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