Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
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