I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Randomize
