shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms