It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
These 21 Drunks Said The Darndest Things
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
These 25 Irresponsible People Blew All Their Cash On Drugs, Booze, & Sex
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.