good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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