they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
