My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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