Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
