before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
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Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
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I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I love you.
Bad choice
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