two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
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I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
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The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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