Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
