Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
