You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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