Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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