there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
