did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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