you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
