I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
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Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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