My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize