she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Can you repeat that, but with context?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
