I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
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swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
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I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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