You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
