i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
