ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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