He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Randomize
