the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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