Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
