Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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