dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
