Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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