Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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