Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
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