how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
