you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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