"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize