my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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